Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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