i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
