I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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