Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
