hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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