I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
