Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
