Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You may now shotgun with the bride
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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