FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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