I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
