stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
A bitchslap is in order.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
