she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
