wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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