Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
