Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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