I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
