closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
