If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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