My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
my liver is dry heaving
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
