You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
