I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
