why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Two words: nipple clamps
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