I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
