A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
