I am puke
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
