My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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