Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
