So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
