i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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