How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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