According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
