I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
