Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
