So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
