There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
