My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Randomize
