How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
