They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Come on in and take your pants off
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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