That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
