Moan for me like Helen Keller
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
