i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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