Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
