HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
