I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My ATM looks so different sober.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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