I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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