i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
