party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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