I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
