after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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