3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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