anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
