I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I smell like Dick and happiness
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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