my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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