Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Pooping to opera.
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