so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Randomize
