i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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